The Legend of Jerk
by Starlight Nocturne
Summary: After a series of unfortunate events, an inept child with a fairy friend discovers his destiny to conquer the embodiment of evil itself. A novelization of Ocarina of Time.
1. Prologue

**So I've been playing Ocarina of Time on my 3DS, and I finally understand why Zelda fans say Hell would be filled with a million Navis. With that thought and reading a bunch of comics and parodies about Link's...habits and abilities...this novelization was created in my sickened and confused mind.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or anything in this fiction.**

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As a rich, golden light slowly blanketed over the vast land, the dawn found a small boy, no more than nine or ten, sleeping peacefully in a verdant forest. The green clad child lay on his stomach sleeping peacefully, completely still save for his shallow breathing and the occasional twitch or furrow of his brows. Despite his serene outward appearance, the child's dreams were anything but serene. For a boy that knew nothing of the world outside his forest home, his dreams were unusually dark. 

He dreamed of fire, death, destruction, terror, and an attractive, gargantuan man with an unusually small head riding a macabre black stallion through the moonless night. The child's brow crinkled in his slumber, disturbed by the nightmare and the alluring stranger's head-to-body ratio. He unconsciously rolled to face the wall. 

His fantasy nightmare was broken by a high-pitched squealing noise, and he was slowly pulled out of his sleep. The squealing continued as he pushed himself up from his mattress and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and looked towards the source of the horrible noise, and found a blue ball with little wings. He stared at the thing absently. 

"Good, you're awake! My name's Navi the fairy! The Great Deku Tree has asked me to be your partner from now on! Nice to meet you! The Great Deku Tree has summoned you, so let's get going, right now!" 

Link nodded, "Okay." He didn't need to think twice about agreeing to the excitable fairy. After all, she knew his name and where to find him, so she must've talked to the Great Deku Tree like she said. That, and Link never questioned anything and did what everyone told him to do. 

He hopped off his mattress and ran outside his treehouse. As he stepped onto the balcony, he found a small green figure running down the hill towards his home. She stopped a few yards short of the tree, and waved up to him, trying to get his attention. 

"Hi, Link!" 

It was Link's best friend, Saria. He started to climb down the ladder, but became impatient after being on it for a second, then jumped off, landing like a cat on his feet. He ran to greet his friend, but she didn't have anything interesting to say, other than the fact that she heard that he was summoned by the Deku Tree. She seemed pretty excited over his new fairy, for some reason. After saying goodbye, he ran toward the tunnel that led to the great tree. 

All he found was Mido prancing around the entrance. Not walking, not jumping, but prancing. Mido was such a creep. Deciding that he wanted nothing to do with Mido, he ran to the tunnel, excited to see the tree, but Mido inconveniently pranced in front of him and stopped, his fists on his hips in an attempt to look intimidating. 

"Hey, you! Mr. No Fairy! What's your business with the Great Deku Tree? Without a fairy, you're not even a real man!" 

"Um, I have a fairy now. Are you blind, and can you please move? I've got shit to do." 

"What?! You've got a fairy?! Whaaaaaat?! Why would the Great Deku summon you and not the great Mido?! This is stupid! And you aren't even fully equipped! How are you going to help the Great Deku Tree without a sword or a shield?!" 

"You're not equipped either." 

"Well, yeah...but you should at least have your equipment ready if you want to pass through here! Sheesh!" 

Link turned and ran away. It didn't look like he was going to get to the Deku Tree right away, but he figured he might as well start looking for that fabled Kokiri sword, and save up some rupees for that ugly little shield in the store. 

"Hey, listen!" Navi squealed. 

"What?" Link asked the airborne fairy, skidding to a halt. 

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you, Link! Let's go, the Great Deku Tree is down the tunnel to the west of here!" 

"I know that, but Mido said that I need equipment first, remember?" 

He would've waited for a response, but Navi had gone back under his hat. Link groaned, and continued his search for rupees. Speaking of Mido, he wasn't happy with the fact that Mido was slowing him down, so he went to his tree with the intentions of trashing it. Upon walking inside, he discovered a way he could not only piss Mido off, but get the currency he was looking for. Flanking the the entry of his home were four treasure chests. Link greedily ransacked the chests, and got fifteen rupees and a little heart thing. He didn't know what to do with it, but it disappeared upon him picking it up, so who cares? 

However, he needed more rupees, but decided that he should probably go look for the sword in the training ground. How did he know it was there? He didn't know for sure, but then again, why would a training ground be in a forest with nothing but fairies, adult-children, and a talking tree? 

And off he went! Link crawled in the little tunnel, and got smashed by a boulder right after getting out. The place was small, and contained about twenty more rupees, but the boulders rolling around made it difficult for an amateur like Link to navigate. He read a sign talking about the L button, but Link didn't know what an L button was, or how it had any importance to the magic boulders rolling around aimlessly. Ten minutes and two smashes later, Link found the fabled Kokiri sword, and immediately wondered why everyone talked about this sword like it was the God of Swords. It didn't look that impressive to him. If anything, it looked like a toy. 

Shrugging it off, Link decided that he had more important things to do. Like getting more rupees. As he successfully and painlessly left the ridiculous training grounds, he went into Saria's unattended tree and smashed all the pots in her house. He was sure that she wouldn't mind that he went in there while she wasn't home, broke all her decorative pots, and pocketed the rupees inside them. Finally having enough rupees for a deku shield, Link rolled to the store. Two minutes later, Link was ready to face the Great Deku Tree. He rolled back to the tunnel to be confronted by a prancing Mido again. 

"What's that? Oh, you have a deku shield...and what's that?! The Kokiri sword?! How did you get that?! Good grief! Well, a wimp is still a wimp! I, the great Mido, will never except you as one of the Kokiri! Darn! How did you get to be the favorite of the Great Deku Tree and Saria?!" Mido grumbled to himself. 

However, Link didn't hear a word he said. He rarely ever listened to anything anyone said. Without uttering a word to Mido, he ran down the tunnel to meet the Great Deku Tree, wondering why he was summoned instead of the great douchebag Mido.

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**Well, that's it. If you haven't figured it out, it's a parody. Yeah. I don't plan on taking dialogue word for word, I'm too lazy to look all that up, and I'm not going to novelize every single little thing.**


	2. Coming inside the Deku Tree

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda.**

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Link gazed up at the huge tree with a face. For as long as he could remember, he wondered why the Great Deku Tree had a face. His face was wooden like the rest of him, and when he spoke, he never saw his mouth move. So why did he need the face? And what's with the mustache? There are so many things wrong with this world... 

"Thou hast returned, Navi...welcome, Link. Listen to what I, the Great Deku Tree, is about to tell thee. My slumber for the past fortnight has been restless, the evils gain strength, and the vile climate bestows nightmares upon those sensitive to it...Link, the time has come. I have been cursed, and thou must break it with thine wisdom and courage. Dost thou have courage to undertake this task?" 

...Not to mention, he didn't think he's even seen his eyes move. They were shut all the time. If they were always shut, then how could he see anything? Did he even need to see anything? Well, Link assumed that he _had_ to be able to see if he was the forest's guardian. Maybe it was magic, after all, he could talk without moving his mouth, so he could probably see with his eyes shut, Link thought... 

"Link?" 

Link snapped out of his thoughts. "Yes?" 

"Dost thou have the courage to undertake this task?" The great tree asked again, sounding a bit annoyed. 

"Yes," he mumbled, not knowing what task he was supposed to be undertaking. 

Then to Link's astonishment, the tree's mouth opened! So that's what it was for... 

"Then enter, brave Link, and break the curse. And thou too, Navi the fairy...thou must aid Link. Link, when Navi speaks, listen to her wisdom." 

But Link didn't hear a word the tree said, he was too busy thinking about why the Great Deku Tree wanted him to go in his mouth. He shrugged it off and assumed the wise old tree knew what he was doing and ran inside his mouth. Upon his dramatic entrance, he looked around, and saw nothing but a few plants trying to attack him and a bunch of spider webs. This was going to be a rotten day. 

"Navi?" 

"What is it, Link?" 

"Why did the Great Deku Tree want me to come inside him?" 

"What?!" 

"I said, why did the Great Deku Tree want me to come inside him?" Link repeated, irritated. 

"Oh...didn't you listen to him at all?" 

"No." 

"Link! When the Great Deku Tree speaks, you should listen! Where is your respect?!" 

"What? I was thinking about something, and besides...um...uh...well, whatever. Now answer my question! Why did the Great Deku Tree want me to come inside him?" 

"Link, when we get out of here, I'm going to explain to you why that question is wrong in so many ways. But first, I'm going to tell you what the Deku Tree told you. He's cursed, and you're being allowed in here so you can break it. That's the gist of what he told you. Do you understand?" 

Much to Navi's fury, she discovered that Link indeed did _not _understand, because he was hacking away at a bush that kept on growing back every time he'd cut it down. "LINK!" 

"What?" 

"We're supposed to be breaking the curse on the Great Deku Tree, let's go!" 

"We are?" 

"YES!" 

"Okaaaaaay," Link groaned, sounding sad. 

And so off they went! Link actually found that he had a lot of fun inside the tree, because of all the spiders that he tortured, and the bouncy, sticky webs. But what he didn't like was these things Navi called business scrubs that tried to rip him off by selling him one deku stick for twenty-five rupees. Seriously, he picked up ten of the things for free, so he told the thief to get lost, but instead it went home, much to Link's dismay. With Navi's limited knowledge, she helped him solve a riddle to get to a woman called Queen Gohma, according to some deku scrubs. Something about the number one. So after getting his shield hit by some nuts and Navi screaming at him, he managed to get to the place where this lady named Gohma was. Link thought she sounded pretty glamorous. He was pretty excited to meet her, maybe he could get some fashion tips. Oh, he also learned from Navi that he could apparently do a lot of things by pressing A.

Then Link's dreams of being a fashionista diminished when he saw that Gohma was just a giant spider. He ran around aimlessly in circles, until Navi got tired of it. 

"Hey! Listen! Stun her, then aim for the eye!" 

"How do I do that?"

"I don't know, figure it out yourself." 

After a few hours, of running away from Gohma and her larvae, Link discovered how he could stun the spider and attack the eye. Once he made this important discovery, the battle was over in a matter of minutes. In the center of the cavern, a blue circle of light appeared. 

"Hey, Navi, what's that?"

"It'll teleport you out of here!" 

"Okay. Hey, what's that?!" Link pointed at the most beautiful, shiny heart thing in the world. 

"That's a heart container. It'll give you more life energy!" 

"What's life energy?"

"Life energy is-hey! Stop asking so many questions! Just get the heart container and let's get out of here!" 

Link went to pick up the heart container, but as he did so, he heard some loud dramatic music come out of nowhere, then his prize disappeared, and he heard some beeping sounds. Link felt stronger somehow, but he also felt like he died a little inside. 

"Noooooo!"

"Now what's wrong?" Navi snapped. 

"It's gone! My heart container disappeared! It was the only thing that made this stupid trip worthwhile," Link cried. 

"Is that all you care about? What about...you know what? Never mind. Let's go, Link!" 

Link wiped his eyes and whimpered. He dragged himself over to the circle of blue light, and found himself outside the Great Deku Tree again.

"Well done, Link," the Great Deku Tree said wearily, "thou hast verified thy courage. I knew thou wouldst carry out my wishes. Now, I have more to tell thee...wouldst thy listen?" 

"Yes," Link replied. He really didn't want to, but he didn't want to be mean to the tree, either. 

"Now...listen carefully...A wicked man of the desert cast this curse upon me." 

He lost Link at "wicked man of the desert". Link's thoughts automatically went to the pin-headed stranger in his dreams. He looked like he was from the desert, and he definitely looked wicked, but how Link assumed this is unknown to him. Then a brilliant, absurd thought came to Link. Maybe meeting this wicked man was his destiny, and that's why the tree told him of all people to break the curse on him! Link stared in space dreamily as he thought of the wicked man being his destiny... 

"Nayru...poured her wisdom onto the earth and gave the spirit of law to the world." 

...Now, if the man was wicked and casting curses, he probably wouldn't be very nice to Link if he saw him. No matter, thought Link, drowning out the tree's speech. He was good at getting people's attention, and getting on their good side one way or the other. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be successful as he is now. 

"...to Hyrule Castle. There, thou will meet the Princess of Destiny. Take this stone, the stone that the man in black armor wanted so much that he cast a curse upon me..." 

The tree's voice brought Link slowly out of his planning. He fully paid attention when he heard "man in black armor." Then, to his delight, he saw a shiny green stone come out of a brilliant green light and hover over to him. The Deku Tree must've been making up for the heart container disappearing!

"Thou art courageous...I entreat ye, Navi...Good...bye..." The tree suddenly turned grey and a few leaves blew through the air. 

"...Let's go, Link." 

"What happened to him?" 

"He died, he told you he was dying. You weren't listening again, were you?" 

"No." 

"Ugh! Come on, Link! Let's go to Hyrule Castle! Goodbye, Great Deku Tree...say goodbye, Link." 

"Jeez...I went through all that trouble to break that curse, and he just dies? Talk about being ungrateful." 

"Link!" 

"Goodbye, Great Deku Tree...thanks for the shiny rock." 

Navi rolled her non-existent eyes and urged Link to leave again.

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**In this chapter, readers learn that Link doesn't listen to a word anyone says on his own accord, and that he seems to have a crush on Ganondorf, whom he's never actually met before. The attention thing is actually something I do in the game, I don't read that huge speech the tree gives, or anything Navi says.**


End file.
